bet this is like one of my worst audition ever! HAHAH
i committed suicide by increasing my tempo when i can't even play it well at my practice tempo!
dumb or what! haha.
nonetheless, it has been an interesting experience, the fact how i could get so stress over the fact that i didnt want to disappoint my teacher to the extent that what was normally playable by me became unplayable to me.
i don't know if there is such a word, but i dont careeeee haha.
and my attempt to avoid my teacher's question before i see her for the next lesson failed cause she called me even before i intended to call her! LOL
jasmine, see you on wed! *if you get the hint!*

i swear that my projects were sucking the hell out of me lol.
i got so cranky yesturday that i don't even know what was i depressed abt.
not that i don't, but that it doesn't seem like a worthy cause to be depressed over. lol.

i think i will take a break on sat/sun before i will be re-energise and gearing myself up again for the humongous load of projects awaiting to kill me.
i will survive it! i have to, and i want to! haha
wish me luck!

i'm so happy to be able to go to bed tonight after not sleeping properly. awesomeeeeeeeee. haha

厌倦，疲倦。什么倦都是。
请告诉我，我该怎么做。

Happy 2012!
To be honest, I can't wait for March to come!
Till then, hang in there everyone!!!!!!!!!
<333333333333333333333

I've enjoyed myself this christmas.

I think that my friends have put in alot more effort than me, and =X sorry!

But nonetheless, thanks for everything.

If everything really goes the way I am planning for it to be (which I hope that nothing would go wrong because..I don't know what to do if my plan fails..), I will probably not be here for Christmas next year..

so who is the one getting the divorce-.-

I've grown to be very attached to everyone at Mallal & Namazie.
I felt sad that SIP had to end, in fact, I was very sad and am still a little sad.
That's pathetic. Haha.

But that also goes to show how much I have grown to like them, and how much I have learnt from them and how much some of them mean to me.
I will never forget Mr Tan, for the warmth, kindness and fatherly love he gave me.
Interestingly, Mr Wong too, for caring in a manner where he chooses to put up a nonchalant front, but yet still asking if anyone is bullying me.
Javad, for being cool enough to crap with me and not take the insults we throw at one another against me; ironically, he's the boss's son. lol.
Nazmi for being there to help and guide me for I think I will not be able to have complete any work if he didn't show me the ropes to it.
And all the others who made my memories there so awesome.

There might be times that I am complaining about my SIP, but I recall it to be minimal.
I was still looking forward to every Monday when it was Friday for the first 3-4 weeks.
The last week simply went by too quickly.
From Monday-Wednesday, I was kept busy with work for I was given a new case to work on and at the same time, one of my colleague's relative passed on, so I had to cover his job.
While on Thursday and Friday, I don't know how and I don't know why, time just flew by very quickly.
Probably 4-5 times faster than normal.

On Friday, I remembered that I was giving out my gifts to them, and then doing a little work, and when I returned to my seat, it was already 12.30pm!
Which was soon to be lunch time cause they had a farewell lunch for me.
The whole office closed just to have lunch with me! I mean, like how often do the boss do that for just a small intern?
After lunch, the next thing I knew was, one colleague told me "1 more hour to go!"
I felt, sooooooooooo sad. Seriously sad, sad enough for it to trigger my water tap. Lol.

And then Mr Tan said to me, "Don't go off first k, I'm going to meet a client now, wait for me to come back."
So Mr Tan, Ms Loh and I had my last meal with them for my internship.
I had my first meal with them at Raffles Hotel, and I had my last meal with them at Raffles Hotel as well.
For the fact that Mr Tan wasn't able to go for my farewell lunch and had dinner with me as my farewell dinner, I was touched.
I mean, who am I to them?
I am just like some random intern who comes and go, so why do they even have to bother about me?
Like they have their family and much important stuffs in their lives.
And that is why I say, I am very touched over that.

I will never forget that I once said to Mr Tan "why don't you want to go home and eat with your family instead of eating with us now at marutama (he likes the ramen at marutama best btw, next is the one at iluma)"
He explained, and the next day he told Nazmi, "You know what happen yesturday? She questioned me of my actions yesturday you know! She's the big one now!"

Even when I was walking from City Hall to Clarke Quay today, when I walked past The Adelphi, Funan, Supreme Court, Recipes...
Every thing reminds me of my SIP times.
The journey from our office to Court in Mr Tan's car, the lunch we had, the conversations we had, the jokes we made..
Everything is just filled with so much memories in these short 3 months.
I may be just an intern to them, but they are definitely not just colleagues to me.

Take care my friends! I'll miss everyone of you..
I think that I am mentally prepared for school, but not emotionally prepared for school =/

Today is definitely a day to remember!
Because the judge spoke to me =O
It is forbidden for us to speak in court and yet the judge asked me, a nobody for my comments!
This is totally omggggggggggggggg. For we don't even have the right to greet the judge when we enter!
And he address me properly you know! Like 'So.. Miss Heng, what do you think about this?"
I was in shock! Total shock!
Omggggggggggg. hahaha

The battle has yet to begin, but I don't know if I can last.
Please let me find the strength somewhere.

I bought a new cello bow on Saturday!

It's awesomeeeeeeee. 

Hahah, ok I haven't tried like other better bows available so far, but my new bow amazes me. 

It feels about the same weight as my previous bow actually, but this bow is slightly longer!

Anyway, I don't think my previous bow is that lousy actually, just that, since I need a new one, my previous bow will now be my standby bow.

I feel that choosing a bow is almost similar to choosing a wand!

Sounds nonsensical, but yes, you will know it is yours when it feels right lol. But at the same time there's so many other bows I never tried before right! But that's notttttt the point. Lol.

Because of unexpected events, I had no choice but to cancel my cello lesson today.

So saddddddddddddddddd, like serious lol. But what to do...

I'm looking forward to this coming sunday!

All I want for Christmas : peace.

Not so easy.

Years ago, when I first started learning the cello, Nathan Chan caught my attention and I loved his Swan.
6 years down the road, after chancing upon his videos again, I'm once again mesmerized by him.

This weekend will be a very meaningful one for me I guess!
I will be working towards improving myself and identifying my directions for my future
As usual, I'm always thinking and thinking and thinking, and I have finally decided to block out most external factors and strive for myself.
So.... wish me luck! haha

Thank you.

No one knows what happens backstage.
No matter how messy, ugly, disturbing it is, no one knows about it.
For people merely judged the facade.

A month has passed since I have started SIP.
Time really flies right! Like WOAH, I'm only left with 2months of SIP before I'm going back to school and continue studying.

Alot of things passes through my mind each day at work and I won't say that I have had a very fulfilling time so far. Sometimes, I can be very free, to the extent that I get frustrated because I can't use my time meaningfully. I find that there are so much more things that I can learn, but I'm not getting the chance to do so.

And when I have time up my hands, my mind starts wandering around. Thinking what my fellow coursemates might be doing, whether are they having a fulfilling time, getting to learn more things than me.

Sometimes, I even start wondering, can it be that I'm incapable? That the things that I am doing, I feel no satisfaction from completing it.
I had a talk with my supervisor yesturday out of the blues.
I was grateful for him taking the time out to analyze my situation with me.
But that conversation has caused me to waver in my directions.
I am no longer certain of what I want in life.
Something which I held on to so strongly for years has never wavered. But now, I'm not so sure about it. In fact, this wasn't the first time it has happened during my time here.

When one has a passion for something, they will go all out and fight for it, because of their passion and love for it.
But.. right up till now.. I have never ever really fought hard for it.
It feels as if I have yet to really put my heart into doing anything.
If I really had the passion for it, why doesn't what I learn stay in my mind?
My attitude for everything so far has basically been like, I will just study for the sake of doing so, once it's over, I'll just forget about it and have fun.
Liking something does not mean that there is a passion for something.

On the other hand, when I was having a talk with my LO, it was yet another kind of emotions and thinkings involved.
I was certain of what I wanted and I knew where I was heading.

Am I even suited for law?
Is it what I really want?
Or am I just used to thinking that law is what I want.
This feels worse than not knowing what I want right from the start.

I'm sooooooooo bored now.
I need to find something to do to keep myself occupied. =/

我累了。经过那么长的一段时间，却没有人主动反省。is it even worth it.

Loads of things to share, but how I wish there is this speech converter thing which will type out whatever I have to say in here.
Sometimes, I just feel that everyone is making use of one another and I don't like that feeling.
So much things to say, but I don't know what to say.