Despite all the nonsense I am facing, I am still thankful for what I have.
Things can really really really be very annoying at times though, but I should still be grateful for all the other things that are right.

One week left till my cello exam. That's it.
I have been touching my cello more frequently but not frequently enough to master the things that I need to for my cello exam.
I'm really the master of procrastination. I can just laze one whole day around saying that I will practice later later and later and that later never comes-.-
I shall try and go all out for it this remaining 1 week so that I have no rooms for regret. At least for this 1 week left.
I know that my teacher is worried, and I'm sorry for being so lazy.
I guess my break really comes after 6 aug then.
I'm thankful for all the help I got from deer though!
Can never thank her enough for the help she has offered me in music.

Been missing out on outings and whatsoever, pretty sad that I have to sacrifice those for now.
But I think this is when I have to make a choice and prioritise things that are more crucial at different points of time.
If I fail my cello exam (which I hope that will never happen), I might not have the opportunity to retake it because who knows what will happen when I am in uni.
Will I have the time to practice? Will I get the opportunity to? Will I be able to find another orchestra to play in?
So I hope that I will be able to pass it and at least let things end nicely even if this really has to be the end of it.
There were a few times when I was seriously contemplating if I should change my degree along the way if my interest changes suddenly or something =/
But again, the ability to do so is another thing.

I'll try to get back whatever I've forgo during this period after 6 aug.

Disappointed with what I put up-.-
Lesson learnt, never participate in 2 major concerts back to back without ample practice, not that I will get a chance to do so anyway.
Nonetheless, I'm still glad that it's over.
Time to concentrate on my cello exam.
No more excuses.

不知道为什么，心里一直平静不下来。
对这次的演出，有很多的感触。

Never have I thought that I will feel like this towards SY.
I once thought of giving it a try, but when things didn't turn out very pleasant the first time, I kinda told myself to just survive through it for the sake of doing so.

Somehow, some way and somewhat along the way, I guess things changed.
I got used to how it is like to interact with the cello/bass peeps and I'm kinda grateful that they are there during practices because nonetheless, they have provided me with accompaniment in some way or another.
This will probably be the last concert that I will be performing with all of them as the next SY concert in sept will be an ensemble one and not everyone is performing for it.

Since end Jan till now, it's been about 6-7 months.
To call this period of time short, it aren't exactly short but it isn't very long either. For a place where hardly any bonding has been done, it is already surprising for me to have feelings towards them.
Nonetheless, I've learnt and improved during the short time there.
A fellow member asked if I will be joining SY next year. 
To be honest, I won't mind joining it again because of the experience and exposure that I will gain.
But whether they will want me back in is another thing.
I can't even make it for the audition, not to mention that I won't be able to make it for the practices although I will be able to make it for the concert.
说起来，还真有点舍不得。


Another part of me is feeling scared because I guess this is reminding me of the fact that yes, July is coming to an end.
Not only does it mean that August (cello exam) is coming, but that also meant that September is creeping by soon enough.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to cope with all these emotions.

When people questioned me about what made me so daring to apply to study overseas, it wasn't a matter of being daring to me, it was more of a matter of pursuing what I want and I have to survive through it no matter what.
But at the same time, I'm starting to feel scared being all alone. =/

Why is it that I can't express myself in my music.
What is my music.
I can't even identify it.
I can't put my feelings in it.
Is it even mine?

Why did I lock it up the other day.
I can't even unlock it now.
I can't express myself at all.
It feels numb.
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Argh.

Still overwhelmed by the surprise!
Too overwhelming!
To think that I had one of the biggest surprises when I thought I knew of the surprises and kept spoiling the plan at the very very very very last minute!
I don't know what was going on in my mind but I was pleasantly surprised.
In a state of shock now! LOL

Got to start torturing my fingers in return for all the joy for the past 2 days!

Feels good to be meeting the dragonsxz again.
As childish as the name may be, this is what we are when we are with each other and this is what we appreciate of each other.
Time seriously flew past so quickly that I had to go even before I knew it.
I'm sorry that I haven't been able to meet them often recently and I hope that they understand.
Let's meet again soon and I'll definitely put the entire day out for you guys.

曾经拥有，才会害怕失去所有。

What should I do to be able to express myself freely? 但又怕如果把感情放出来，不懂得收回，到时怎么办？

Just a random thought as I see this kid on the mrt playing the iPad with a lady which I suppose is her mum. To the kid, she barely knows anything and anyone in the world and her mum is probably her everything. While her mum definitely has other commitments and stuffs. However, her mum unconditionally gave up everything including her world for the kid. Years down the road when the kid is all grown up with their life filled up with other activities, her mum is no longer her world and her everything. Now, is this fair for her mum who has given up everything for her daughter?

Performing together again with the rest as NASCO alumni was indeed awesome.
We might all have gone on separate ways and have different playing styles and habits, but nonetheless, being able to play together again as a team is wonderful.

Afterall, this is where most of us started picking up cello.
No matter where we will be in the future, this fact doesn't change.
Without this CO, we would never have started our journey with cello and never have got to know one another.

I've already participated in 2 Tapestry as an alumni.
I guess this will also probably be the last Tapestry that I will be taking part in for there will be more and more graduates as time goes by, so these chances should definitely go to the juniors.
Afterall, who knows what will become of us 2 years later and where will we be.

就算有多么的不舍, it is probably time for this chapter to come to an end..

Impromptu half day trip to JB with Mr Cheng, Shihui, Yuren and Weiqi amidst the week filled with practices.
Got away from the bustling city to think and ponder about life, go on a tour, eat, relax, enjoy each other's accompaniment, learn new stuffs.
Sometimes life just amazes me with the way it works.

Should I defer my studies?

Thankful for all that I've got.
Life can be a bitch, a real bad bitch, but there will always be something to tame that bitch to make things better for everyone.
This is where I have to pull myself together again to help fight that bitch together with everyone! =)

I don't ask for anything, but just an end to this.
This is the biggest present I can get in return for my 20th birthday. Thanks.

我什么都不要，我只想消失掉。
Enough with those crap of making me a better/stronger person.
I know what I'm going through is nothing as compared to those less fortunate, but that's not the point.
The point is, why do I have to go through all these.
If only this is just a piece of glass, I will smash it till there's no visible remains of it.
Yes, I am that violent and so what about that.
Sometimes I just hate being able to think on both sides.
Deep down, I'm still just a kid.

I'm hating this seriously.
I'm not the one in the wrong, but I'm getting the shit out of the mess between you guys.
Seriously, fuck this shit.
I'm feeling the angst, telling you what is the right thing to do, and there you are defending that bitch who is not doing her job well.
Who cares if she's your friend, if she can't do it well, she's out.
If you want my opinion and want me to check the work, make sure that the amendments I made are done, if you don't want to do it, DON'T ask for my opinions in the first place.
I know I'm not absolutely right, but I'm definitely qualified.
Don't say that we can't communicate when you're shutting me out whenever I say something that displeases your ears.
Don't blame me for walking away because when that happens, it means that I can't take it anymore and that's the last you'll see of me.

Even though I used to rant about TPCO and it's other nonsense, thank god for it, I found many awesome friends in there.
Though this is not something new that I've come to realise, but I'm constantly thankful for it.

Without any reason, without any logic, without any explanation.

*Sighs*

Looking at my accommodation and other whatsoever on the web has just increased the amount of doubts I have in me. Studying overseas has never crossed my mind until I was in poly. Even so, it was just a mere consideration. Now that I have to start preparing for it, there are just some insecurities in me and I don't know how to describe those feelings. I've been too much of a people person that I think that I'm afraid to live alone. I'm afraid of losing what I have now. Studying abroad should be something exciting! But why am I overtaken by all these fears.

Don't think that the plan for going to Aussie will work out anymore..

The dates are too pressing for a proper trip.

Bye exciting adventures in Sydney/Newcastle/Brisbane/Gold Coast,, bye DreamWorld, bye MovieWorld, bye Clam, bye Paul =(
Sorry..