I hate you for bringing reality back into my face. It hurts. So bad.

I am a fighter. I will survive.
I've got back my strength.
I'll help myself if no one will, because only I can help myself.
I'm capable of more than just this. =D

A leopard never change its spots.
How True.

Dear Diary,

It's been long since I've taken a real and proper break away from life. So much has happened in the past 2 years of my life that it seem just yesturday that I've graduated from TP.

Two years, two long years indeed. Turmoils, adventures, life lessons.
It's been eventful; tried out many things that I've never thought that I'll do, nothing illegal though (duhhhh).
Drink, drank, drunk; Been there, done that. (Literally.)
As compared to the youthful and willful me back then, I feel that I've changed quite a bit.
I'm not sure if these changes of mine are for the better or for the worse, though some of it are quite regretful, but I'm thankful for the changes because I've learnt invaluable lessons to make me not take life for granted.

The world is a nice place. It is the people who lives in it that makes it a wonderful or horrid place to live in.
Because of the things that everyone has to deal with in life, that molded the way they react to things that happens around them.
Some judged people, some fear being judged.
At the end of the day, being a judgmental person doesn't help because life's too short.
Why bother holding other's opinions of you so tightly when that person is of no value and significance to your life. They'll never fully understand life until they've experienced it.

Because of all that has happened, I've learnt that the more we try to keep things in our control, the harder we'll break when our plans fail us.
Saying that, I'm not saying that I'm going to just live life as it is and waste my life away.
I'm just saying that there's too many things that can potentially fall out of our control due to external factors which may or may not affect us internally.
And just because things fall out of our control, it doesn't mean that it's the end, for life is all about taking chances.
As we pave our individual stories, we'll learn invaluable lessons; no matter its significance.
At the end of each chapter, it will all end with a proper closure.

As for my studies, this break is not a closure, but merely a break away from it. Though this path of mine isn't one typically taken, especially with the standards that every Singaporean is following, I believe that this will do me good. The journey ahead will be tough, but a midst the bitterness will I find sweetness. When things are already at the bottom for me, this just meant that what's left will just get better for nothing can be worse.

May 2014 be a better year for everyone.

With love,
Abigail.

I've always placed others' interests before mine.
That isn't fair to me.

News of it is out.
I've resigned from my position in Singsoc.
Hard to just let it go like that now, but it's time to place my own interest before others.

All the odds may seem to be against me now, but I believe that things will work out somehow. 

GO ZM!

Every child takes upon their parent either by characteristics or lifestyle habits.
I guess the reason why I am who I am now was because I never had anyone to accompany me since young.
By accompanying, that is to say study with me, eat with me, play with me and other normal daily activities. That is why I'm always out, looking for activities to keep me occupied. For I guess that was what I taught myself to shield myself away from the loneliness monster.

My mum, sis and dad never had time for me.
They were mostly occupied with work and just work.
They never wanted to waste time (which we could also say spend time in a nicer manner) playing with me. If they were to bring me out or anything, it will always be for a purpose.
For example, I have to go for abacus classes, tkd classes, get groceries, go out for dinner because no one is cooking.
Maybe this is why I always need to know what am I going to do and where am I going to feel secure and to know what will I be encountering.

Saying that, always being out has exposed me to a great variety of people, which I've learnt since young to never trust anyone easily.
And maybe that's the reason why I used to be very quiet and reserved with my actions.
However, I was fortunate enough to meet some really great people in my life to show me that kindness is everywhere and comes in every single form.
I believe that I am actually an introverted person, for that was what I am until secondary 2 where circumstances forced me to force myself to appear to be an extroverted person.
I guess the change was good, but I know that that's just my form of self defense.

Now that things have changed, I have to change the way I react to my environment.
But is it really necessary?
That is what I loathe about life.
Just as you were adapting to things, life changes.
I guess, this is also what makes life interesting.

I've only been away for 6months and you've been so insecure.
How will you behave this time if I'm intending to be away the entire year.

Just watched Hachiko on the train back to London from Paris. The show is saddening.
Tried to hold in my tears but the emotions that were invoked while watching the movie was too overwhelming.
The feelings and relationship that has been established between the owner and Hachi is something that is so rare.
How often do you see such loyalty between humans, needless to say about humans and animals.

Turning 21

It's my turn to be 21 now after celebrating so many other's 21st.
As compared to a year ago, my life has changed a lot.
My surroundings have also changed quite a fair bit.
As I'm typing now, I'm situated in a rented apartment in France.
Who would have thought that I would be so far away from home a year later doing things I never once thought I would do.

With all the thoughts streaming past my mind, I can't help but think of all the what-ifs.
Whenever I wanna drown myself in self pity, a part of me will pull me out of it and remind me of all the other things in life that I should be grateful for.

Sometimes, I feel that even though I'm only 21, I've been through all the stuffs that some others would not even go through in their life in the future. Because of the circumstances that I'm in, I'm forced to mature even faster then I'm supposed to. But does this means that I'm lacking in a lot of other stuffs since I'm not experiencing what others should be experiencing at this age?

Nonetheless, I'm thankful for having all the blessings, concern and love from all my friends and family. They are the ones who fills the gaps in my heart. Thanks for always being there for me.

Just 1 more paper till liberation!!!!! At least till my results are out =/
But for now, I can't wait for exams to be over!!
Please pray for me that I pass all of my papers.

到最后,回想起小时候爸爸是怎么的疼我和爱惜我,心里还是不由自经的痛了起来。可能这就是为什么妈妈想要坚持下去的理由吧。想看看他是否会发现自己的错,想要悔改。现在回想起来,我真的不知道自己当初是有了什么力量,能够坦然的处理整件事,定下判断。当时的我,应该是个无情又残酷的人吧。我有很多的问题想问你,但你会老老实实的回答我吗。自己很想原谅你,但又害怕自己会再次的被你出卖,也怕如果原谅你,妈妈和姐姐会觉得自己被背叛。怎么办。

And this is why they say "the one who hurts you most are the ones that you love the most."

Though my exams are next next week, I'm already feeling the stress. Arghhhhhh. Wish me luck. Really really need loads of it. I'm scared like seriouslyyyyyyy scared. 

Once exams are over, I'll have about 2 full months + 2 months of internship (only 1 is confirmed so far, but I do hope that I get the other one as well) to enjoy. Be it travelling, chilling or just hanging out with my friends and family back in Singapore. Can't wait for it. The sun, the warm, the food, the people, the familiarity. Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait. But before I can get all these, I have to first get through 4 papers. I have no confidence this time. Seriously no confidence on how am I going to get through the exams. I'm really scared that I can't pass my papers which I hope that will not happen because so much money, time, feelings and everything has been invested here. I don't want all these to go to waste. But ok, I do admit that I was a little too playful for consistent work. But I promise really really really to do consistent work when I am in year 2 now that I kinda know how everything works and what is expected of me. But for now, please God, I do hope that you'll help me get through my first year without any problems.

On a random note, these few months have given me a lot of insight on the different kinds of people, the reasons for their action and things I never thought of before. 

First CNY away from home.
This will be the same for the next few years IF I get through every year successfully till the end of my degree.

Never appreciated the existence of reunion dinner but at times like this, reunion dinners can only be done with friends. Friends who I have known for barely 6 months at max.
Good and bad times, seen through a lot of pretence but having to feign ignorance.
Am glad that I found some friends that I can laugh freely with as of now, but there's more to be unveiled for now I'm having some doubts. But I guess it will be fine.
Bak kwa, pineapple tars and hei bi hiam are absolutely missed. Thankful for the few that my friends shared with me though.
Seeing snow and wrapping myself in layers of clothing for CNY and waking up at 3.30pm on Chu Yi because there's no visiting that has to be done here.

Miss going back to my home back in Singapore and just nua on my sofa and fall asleep.
Saw the pictures of my friends being at my place but not being it just made me imagined where will I be at if I'm home. Time to go back to my work.

Seeing all the pictures of you guys are making me missing the company of you guys a lot. ='/

Sleeping over at my friend's place for these few days! =)

Read this somewhere on FB posted by my friend on the internet.
You shout at one another in a heated argument even when you can be side by side because of the distance of the two hearts, to make sure that the other heart can hear your heart.
But when two hearts are close to one another, you will naturally just talk softly and gently, whisper or even not have to say anything for your messages can be communicated without having it to be said verbally.

Had alot of thoughts about this after I read it.
Received some comments from my relatives or mum's friend during the short winter break when I was back in Singapore that I am independent now, but I know that I'm not.
I wouldn't have say that I have truly learnt to be independent because I know that I'm not. Especially so if one were to judge independence based on monetary terms. I'm not even able to provide for myself.

Apart from not wanting my mum and sis to worry for me, I guess the main reason why I was able to maintain my silence and distance from my mum and sis was because I was afraid of getting hurt once more. Not that they hurt me, but because I was afraid of getting hurt even more when I have yet to recover from other injuries, which was why I refuse to place myself vulnerable, as I know that they are the ones who will be able to hurt me most greatly, which in return made me selfish.

However, I guess its changing for I now want to pull the distance of my mum's and sis's heart even closer to me. And I know, doing this will in return definitely make me be more vulnerable to getting hurt even more in the future. But I know that now is not the time for me to be selfish anymore for they are the one who deserves the most of my time. Not to forget, the care and concern that I want to give to them, will probably be the only thing I can give to them.

It used to be out of sight, out of mind. But now, I guess it's absence makes the heart fonder.