This weekend will be a very meaningful one for me I guess!
I will be working towards improving myself and identifying my directions for my future
As usual, I'm always thinking and thinking and thinking, and I have finally decided to block out most external factors and strive for myself.
So.... wish me luck! haha

Thank you.

No one knows what happens backstage.
No matter how messy, ugly, disturbing it is, no one knows about it.
For people merely judged the facade.

A month has passed since I have started SIP.
Time really flies right! Like WOAH, I'm only left with 2months of SIP before I'm going back to school and continue studying.

Alot of things passes through my mind each day at work and I won't say that I have had a very fulfilling time so far. Sometimes, I can be very free, to the extent that I get frustrated because I can't use my time meaningfully. I find that there are so much more things that I can learn, but I'm not getting the chance to do so.

And when I have time up my hands, my mind starts wandering around. Thinking what my fellow coursemates might be doing, whether are they having a fulfilling time, getting to learn more things than me.

Sometimes, I even start wondering, can it be that I'm incapable? That the things that I am doing, I feel no satisfaction from completing it.
I had a talk with my supervisor yesturday out of the blues.
I was grateful for him taking the time out to analyze my situation with me.
But that conversation has caused me to waver in my directions.
I am no longer certain of what I want in life.
Something which I held on to so strongly for years has never wavered. But now, I'm not so sure about it. In fact, this wasn't the first time it has happened during my time here.

When one has a passion for something, they will go all out and fight for it, because of their passion and love for it.
But.. right up till now.. I have never ever really fought hard for it.
It feels as if I have yet to really put my heart into doing anything.
If I really had the passion for it, why doesn't what I learn stay in my mind?
My attitude for everything so far has basically been like, I will just study for the sake of doing so, once it's over, I'll just forget about it and have fun.
Liking something does not mean that there is a passion for something.

On the other hand, when I was having a talk with my LO, it was yet another kind of emotions and thinkings involved.
I was certain of what I wanted and I knew where I was heading.

Am I even suited for law?
Is it what I really want?
Or am I just used to thinking that law is what I want.
This feels worse than not knowing what I want right from the start.

I'm sooooooooo bored now.
I need to find something to do to keep myself occupied. =/

我累了。经过那么长的一段时间，却没有人主动反省。is it even worth it.

Loads of things to share, but how I wish there is this speech converter thing which will type out whatever I have to say in here.
Sometimes, I just feel that everyone is making use of one another and I don't like that feeling.
So much things to say, but I don't know what to say.

First day of SIP was alright I guess.
First few hours was making myself feel at home which I think it really did helped cause I started cleaning my table? LOL and then when I got bored at my place I started wandering to the library of the office to look at the books.
When I'm seated at my desk, no one bothers about me, and when I decided to go to the washroom, someone looks for me. -.- Let's hope they don't think I'm slacking! HAHA

I'm almost directly infront of the pantry, haha so getting water and stuffs will be very convenient for me, but..I don't eactly know this place well yet, so I'm not going to the pantry frequently yet HAHA.
I guess a good thing about this is that since my table is near the pantry, I get to break the ice with everyone in the office by greeting them every morning.

Somehow, I feel that my lawyer may be regretting his choice of hiring me LOL.
I made some mistakes even on simple stuffs like Enc and CC clients and faxing out the entire document and not just the letter to the client and some other minute stuffs.
But that goes to show how careless I am right? =/
I hope that I won't perform so badly anymore haha..
I'm doing mainly civil litigation for now, but the thing is...I'm not very good in civil procedure!
I don't exactly know how and what to do for civ pro..and now I'm doing this!
Oh man...but I know that after this, I will get to learn alot of things for I already found my first day very fulfilling.
I won't say that I'm like the busiest among all interns or what because I don't think I am, but at least I have sufficient stuffs up my hands to be completed.

The people here are generally all very nice and friendly.
Was treated for lunch at Raffles hotel by a lawyer together with another lawyer and a secretary. They are humourous. No airs going around at all when it's out of work. (y)
I'm looking forward to BEING at work everyday but not GOING to work because of the crazy morning crowd and waking up at 6.50am which I have yet to be able to do so.

Even though I have only been through a day at work only, I'm enjoying it and I've learnt quite a bit of things.
Knowing the answers for our exams are not everything, when it comes to applying to our daily life, it looks all so different.

For checking purposes when doing my report haha.
Drafted letters of demand, notification and writ of summon so far.
Should try to be more efficient instead of taking my time in doing like in school before the deadline given because there is no deadline here.

There's this lawyer who is damnnnnnnnnnnn nice I tell you.
He suddenly called me and say 'Zengmei, you're feeling very cold is it?'
Then I went, ' yup, how did you know?'
He went, ' I can tell, haha, your windbreaker is not useful because there is no wind here, it is just cold air everywhere..come, take this jacket, it will be able to keep you warm even though it is very thin because of its material, you can return it to me when you're feeling better'

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Haha, he's damnnnnnnnn nice.

2 weeks of my holidays are gone just like that.
I don't know how but I survived through standing at least 11hrs everyday for my Mooncake job.
Pretty much amazed by myself actually LOL.
But I believe that the job did benefit me in some way lah, mainly $$$$ haha and maybe testing my endurance and training myself to sleep early? lollll.
And I got to make new friends!

Tomorrow will be the start of a new journey for the next 3months of my life..
I might meet unreasonable people and I will have to face them till the end of my internship and I can't just quit if I'm unhappy with them because that would mean that I failed my sip!
At the same time, I'm afraid that I won't know what to do because my civ pro isn't exactly very good because I just don't seem to understand it but yet I think I will be going into the litigation department..
Previously in my other part time jobs, even if I'm not performing at my best, I won't be bother abt it because I know that those jobs aren't what I am exactly interested in to do for long..
But I know that if I don't perform well or at least satisfactory this time round, I will be disappointed in myself.
But I'll still anticipate the experience that I will be getting for I'm getting one step closer to what I hope to attain in life. :D
Wish me luck!

I don't know what have I done in my life to receive such good fortune..but I'm glad that I am who I am!
Hahahahah.
Maybe someone has helped me secretly in the back or what and I don't know, but I thank god for being so lucky. Hahahaha
Shadn't say what it is yet because it's not entirely confirmed yet.
But at least for now, it's good news to me! Hahahaha

Nothing beats waking up in the morning and checking your phone for good news. Hahahahha!

I took 49mins to type a simple letter in chinese that is only 10 sentences long.
Totally what the .............
Letter writing has never been so tough for me.
Not even those letters that we drafted in class have used up these much of my brain cells.
And I'm totally exhausted now lol.

Nights

Sometimes I tend to not know what am I doing and I get lost.
I don't know what am I doing.

Just like why I was practicing my cello just now cause I missed it suddenly.
But yet again, when at CS this morning, I didnt feel like playing at all. Like I was just playing for the sake of playing and I don't feel happy playing.

I don't know what am I thinking.

On a sidenote, after the long wait and rewatching of the movies from book 1-6, I've finally watched hp 7 part 2 last night! and I like it alot.
The ending might be crap, I mean as compared to the entire movie, but nonetheless, I still like it very much.
Others may say that it wasn't as good as expected, but because I didn't set any expectations for it, so I'm satisfied with it. And I'm veryyy sad that it ended just like that. Felt like a part of me just died/ended like that.
All the time spent waiting for the books to be out, reading the books, over and again for don't know how many times, getting emotional over the contents of a book, yes, the book where Dumbledore died  first taught me how to have emotions. LOL.
Farewell to my first true love. LOL

it's a happy day today!
even though we helped in a veryyyyyyy small way like just helping to cut the cakes for the folks, i'm glad i did that because i didn't get to do that for my grandma.
and it feels good to serve them in any manner to thank them for staying strong.

bought a new school bag for myself! haha it's been 4 years since i last bought a backpack for myself! hahaha
andddddd i'm changing specs soon! nothing fascinating but yah, haha.

byeeeeeeee

A

Am still trying to convince myself that I made the right choice.
I knew it would be tough, but I never expected it to be hurtful.
I don't want to fight on anymore because I feel that it ain't worth my effort.
I know if I hang on and look back next time, I would be so glad that I survive through.
But the problem now is to even hang on.
But one thing I can't deny is that without these assholes, I wouldn't be aware of how many awesomes are there around me.

My mum asked me, 'why you so young also got to think so much ah?'
Honestly speaking, I don't know either.
Sometimes I will start wondering what will my life be like now if I hadn't join any cca and just go to school, do tutorials, play, and everything else but cca.

Just when I thought I could relax just a little after my submission on monday, my next submission on 11jul is pushing my project mates and I up the wall.
We've just started on our project today because we didn't had the time to previously.
And everyone is all feeling antsy already.
Together with other tutorials and whatsoever, life couldn't get betterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I need time to get away and recuperate mentally because everything seem so blur now.
I need to think of plan B, C, D, etc..just in case plan A doesn't work out.
And I think I'm dying soon. LOL.

PA's concert is finally overrrrrrrrr!!!!!
My nightmare is all over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel sooooo happy and relieved that it's over.
Like I no longer have a duty to commit myself to PA practices because the performance is over and I can use the time to finish other of my work without being so exhausted mentally and emotionally.

It all seem very fast actually. Haha, 10 practices with PA gone just like that.
Though it was like torturous because of the short time we had to practice for the concert..but it was still a good experience because welllll...I think in someway or another I've improved even though I don't know where. But yah, you get my point.
Plus, some people made the experience bearable and fun. So yah..loads of nerve-wrecking moments though.

After every song ended, all that came to my mind was, a song lesser to the end of my nightmare! And when it came to the last song, I felt so relieved that I've survived through and that after this, no one will notice me anymore. That is if there was anyone who noticed lah lol.
Can't helped but grinned like an idiot to jasmine when we finished playing the last song. So much that even having to play the encore piece and another piece didn't matter to us at all. Hahaha

I can't help but to tear a little after the concert as well because I couldn't help it. Haha it was like tears of joy and relief I guessed?
Like I managed to survive through this ordeal. I was seriously under quite an amount of pressure because even though we only had little time to practice the songs, I didn't want to perform too badly at a concert because afterall, our actions will affect the organisation as well. Plus I guess the expectations I had for myself to meet at least gave me the pressured.

For now, it's time for bed and a good rest before I wake up tomorrow and face up to other projects I have on hand for sch and co.
Amazingly, instead of wanting to stay away from my cello, I actually am even more tempted to practice my cello pieces and to work on it and resume cello lessons soon.

GOOD NIGHT!

I can say I had a veryyyyyy interesting birthday. LOL
Had celebrations which started since sunday.
In this sense, I can say that I am veryyyyyyy lucky.
I must have accumulated alot of good karma! But I hope all these doesn't end just like that. Hahah
I don't want bad things to happen. I will work hard! Hahaha

Ok, I won't say that I spent my birthday in the WOW kinda celebrations or what, but it was amazing in it's own ways lol.
I was surprised, speechless, amazed and kinda everything. Haha.
Thanks to all my friends who gave me such an experience! Hahaha. And for someone, a SHOCK.
Crazy, I can never forget the shock the larsen strings gave me. Too much too much *shakes head*

Thanks weilin for the lunch! and cake! and randomness!
Thanks to the monsters for the birthday dinner and blue shirt LOL!
Thanks to jas for the lifetime guarantee pen!
Thanks to wanling, shihui, clams, junjie, kinren, jasmine, shiyan for the random surprise and cupcakes and dinner.
Thanks to weilin, shihui, wanting for the day spent!
Thanks to all the birthday greetings that I received, FB kinda killed me with so many notifications LOL.

Thanks to pa for draining my night-.-

I'm now officially nineteen, don't feel as if I'm nineteen! LOL I still feel as childish as ever.
But I can definitely feel the workload and responsibilities getting heavier.
My next wish is that everyone will always be safe and do well in whatever they do.
Let me keep my third wish for myself.
Haha.

This year, I have nothing to wish for but just to wish that everyone I know will be happy and that life will at least be better for them.
I'm not almighty, but I want people that I care for to be happy.

I'm left with 2 more wishes.

Sorry I can't help it but I'm feeling so proud of myself LOL.
Let me brag lah k, since it's the first time I feel so proud of myself and since it is my blog anyway. LOL

One firm emailed me to go for an interview next monday, I was soooooo tempted to say ok I will go, but I can't cause I have already accepted the offer from a firm.
Plus, by going for the interview, I'm also depriving others for a position in that firm.
So I had to decline the firm's offer.

And then after lunch, another firm called me saying that I have secured a place in that firm already and that I have to come down for a briefing on Thur. The person on the phone even emphasis that I got a position and not an interview in the firm.
I was like huh?! How come secure already? I never even go for interview or what, why they anyhow secure me, how do I tell them? (Because we were previously told that we can't hold on to 2 positions if not we will get into trouble cause the firms will be unhappy)
I was like okkkk but I had to reject them cause I'm attached to another firm already. Siannnnn.

Then I went to submit my declaration form to my teacher and he went
m - 'ohhh...you went for the interview at their firm already? Mr W conducted the interview is it?'
zm - yah..i went for the interview on sat...
m - hmm..he can be quite a difficult person..*smiles*
zm - huh really? he seem quite ok during the interview..
m - he didn't give you any trouble during the interview?
zm - nope.
m - oh well, ok have fun there during your sip there! *laughs*

Jialatttttttt. Am I going to get hell for my sip?!?!? Lolll.
I'm kinda anticipating for SIP to start because I want to see what challenges will I face.. But at the same time I'm like, I hope it isn't a difficult firm! Lol.

And then I called my mum to tell her about it and she said that the firm that offered me a position is actually a big firm and I'm kinda thinking like huh..I just gave up the chance of working in a big firm, although the one I accepted is a medium but well-established firm.
And the firm(not the one I accepted) starts work only at 9am and not 8.30am and it's at city hall, which means that it is nearer, plus I can take bus 518 and stop straight outside. Plus that firm accepts 2 interns which meant that I would have someone to accompany me (but that isn't really an issue cause alot other firms accept 1 interns only also, so I won't die of being alone)

The only consolation I can tell myself now is that the one I accepted pays higher and that I was comfortable with the office when I went for interview. Siannnnnn, did I miss out like on a real good deal??? =/